New Leaves

I LOVE AUTUMN! I love the leaves changing colors...I love the air....I love that night is sooner..I cannot imagine anyone not liking autumn!

Today John and Elizabeth drew a picture on our pumpkin that Lindsey was so sweet to bring to us the other day (when she came home from college for a couple of days because she had strep throat). The picture was incredible and they didn't even trace it. It was a vampire! I carved it for them and they were so happy, kept telling me what a great job it was, etc.! Such fun! Sunday night we will stop by my parents and Randy's parents houses and go trick or treating in Randy's parents' neighborhood.

Speaking of leaves, I'm turning over a new one. The main focus is health. I'm nearing that wonderful time in life called "middle" by some people. Before we bought this house I usually walk/ran three miles most days and ate really well. Since the house purchase and all of the stress that has accompanied it..well, I've become very lax in my eating and exercising habits...and I can feel it in my moods, in my body, etc. I am going to use a whole food approach focusing on vegies, fruits, good meats, etc. and only wheat and dark breads rarely. This will not be a huge change for me but giving up diet drinks certainly will! I'm going to start with adding a lot more water and some unsweetened tea and lowering my coffee intake. My dad always tells me how much he admires my will power (and then makes jokes about how he hopes I don't have that same disease Karen Carpenter has). He is joking, though, because I love to eat and he knows how much of a temptation chocolate is.

I have to go clean up for Emily's birthday party. We are getting her a very nice watch and as a surprise I invited Blake (one of her many admirers, but the most frequent "date") over and then I asked him if he wanted to take her out! LOL! She is clueless and he is ecstatic. He's been telling Emily for weeks now that he thinks I like Justin better. Justin spends the weekend here from time to time but only because his house is over an hour away and he hangs out with the boys! I don't do it very often because supervising is exhausting! Anyway, so needless to say Blake was shocked when I called him and asked him to come to the party and take my daughter on a date tonight! The reason I did the latter is because she's been complaining all week that she won't get to do anything this weekend because she is supposed to be at her dad's and it's boring there, etc..etc..etc..etc.. She is SIXTEEN 16!!! Time flies...time flies...time FLIES!!

Off to the work that I would love to delay!!!!

What is it about 3 am?

Every night-or morning actually-around 3 am I wake up...wide awake. It's so annoying! So here I am and I can tell I won't be sleeping again any time soon so I thought I would share today-it was pretty fun!

Note to self-NEVER EAT PORK AGAIN. We went out to eat with just Rachel tonight and ate at one of the little local restaurants. I must have some kind of weird psychological thing going on about the local restaurants because it never fails to make me sick after eating at them. Everyone else around here raves about how great they are but I eat there and YUCK....the places look dirty to me and the food is not healthy, mostly fried. The only thing that sounds any good is the barbeque and I requested chicken but they only had pork so I thought, what the h, try it again...did and now I just finished vomiting and I have hives...so I guess I am allergic?

Rachel did her normal "dance around the restaurant, singing to people" karaoke style thing again. Luckily everyone thought she was cute. Never in a million years would I have let the other kids do that, they were all trapped in high chairs at this age still but Rachel, she gets to socialize. Also, the screaming that would have followed if I demanded that she sit still the whole time would have forced one of us to leave so I let her dance and sing. The two boys at the table next to us were laughing so hard at her "chicken nugget dance" (special number where you say chicken nugget over and over, louder and louder and dance in time to the words) so when she realized that they were watching her and laughing at HER she did a special "number" around their table which made them and their mother laugh harder and Rachel decided to try out a few more people. Every one else was elderly and very nice so they all enjoyed her. Randy said he totally forgot we can't eat out anymore! LOL! We had to stop her and bring her back over to our table when she found the entrance to the kitchen and excitedly exclaimed "I GO COOK". We gave her a pen and paper to divert her attention and she then drew "ceekles" (circles) for everyone.

Next we went to the home store and bought some paint stripper and a little heater for our room (which will be going in the apartment above the garage) because Randy misunderstood when they put in our new heating and air conditioner he thought we had BACK UP gas heat for when the weather reached a certain temperature and thought we had plenty of time to call the gas company to have them come turn on the gas and inspect the lines....well, no, dear, that almost 14,000 $$$$ apparently didn't cover the extra system because when we turn both systems on HEAT it blows cold air. It is around 50 degrees in our house right now and believe it or not, I think it's warmer OUTSIDE. The gas company better come out Monday when the kids get back.

Randy's dad is doing so much better. We took our bubbly little actress/singer/drama queen over to their house after the store and she put on an even better show for them. They loved it and so did she (and us, admittedly). Randy's brother showed up and Rachel loves "Uncle Games(James)" so she drew his hand and ceecles for him as well.

Oh! And I almost forgot! Rachel and Elizabeth and I went to my nephew's fourth birthday party this morning at a place called The Fun Factory. It has the largest inflatable slides I have ever seen! I walked in and heard this woman that sounded like my mother screaming from inside one of the slides and guess what? It was my mother sliding down!!! She is in her sixties!!! Then I saw my dad jumping around on one! And my brother!! Where are the kids? Oh yeah, there they are! So of course I rush to take off my shoes and Rachel's and Liz and I scramble up to join them!!! It was a blast! Dad and I even raced down once! We'll have to go back and do it for Rachel's birthday next year so I can get pictures! I would love to see Randy on one of those although I doubt it would happen!

Anna Grace (my niece) is so sweet! She smiles constantly and I think she really knows who I am. She is now 9 months old already!!! I am the only woman in her life with long and blonde hair. My mom, Jill and Jill's mom all have short dark or gray hair so she stares at my hair a lot. So I flip it for her and she grabs handfuls and chuckles like crazy..and I eat her neck and she laughs so hard. Today I was given permission to feed her a little chocolate cake so now I am certain I am one of her top ten favorite people!

Well, back to bed to hopefully sleep this time. NO MORE PORK!

One more thing-Phoebe is due to have puppies this week although she is not very large at all. I hope she knows what to do. I keep putting a sheepskin blankie in her dogloo but she pulls it out and dumps it on the ground.

When Doubts Creep In

Sometimes I have these doubts about homeschooling. I don't doubt that it is the best thing for them at this point but rather that it is the best thing for me. Simply put, sometimes I just don't want to do it. It's a lot of work and it would be so much easier to put them back into school...on one level..on another it's harder. They would go back to coming home every day with a lot of homework or saying they have none and ending up getting a bad grade for not doing it. They would go back to coming home with attitudes. People picked on them, a friend was mean, etc....and they may or may not tell me at that moment but they'll fight with each other, talk back to me, suffer in silence in there room..it just all depends.

What does this (puts these doubts in my head) is usually a comment from someone else. Yesterday my mom's best friend stopped by. She works for the registrants office and "noticed" that we are not registered to vote here (we are in Chelsea still). They want us to vote here and so she brought the forms by, which was super nice. She was going on about how she loves my house but it is so much work and then she started on homeschooling....how great the schools are here (NOT), how hard it must be to teach everyone, etc. Of course I explained the logistics to her but still, I started doubting.

Last night I went to get basketball forms at the YMCA. Joshua wants to play and maybe some of the other kids. Anyway, as I drove around (in silence) I thought a lot about choices. Sometimes I miss getting dressed up to go to work, being wined and dined, a lot of adult conversations, no disciplining, etc...but those are not the things that matter long term (see previous post, self)...But I do hope I am doing the right thing for the kids. I am going with my instincts, taking it year by year. I am not ANTI public or private school. I may very well put them in conventional school in the future...who knows, maybe even next year. Emily is definitely going to take some correspondence college courses next year when she is 16/17...and Lindsey did great in public school. Right now several of the kids need one on one help and need to advance at their own pace...some faster and some slower than the classroom allows...so that is where we are and that is where we'll be ....for now.

Nemo

Rachel loves Nemo...well, she used to. Pooh Bear is now her favorite. Thanks to her older siblings she has inherited the stuffed versions of Pooh (giant size), Piglet, Tigger and Eeyore. So they all gather round as she watches her Pooh Bear movie...but back to Nemo.

Finding Nemo reminds me of finding myself. Marlin (sp?) faced his fears on the movie as he looked for his son. All of the things he was afraid of were looking him straight in the face and he conquered those fears due to love for his son. In the last decade I have done that. Here they are:

1. I lost a dream of being married to one person all of my life...and I was okay.

2. I almost died of a fatal illness, had surgery and am now a survivor! My fear was to not see my children grow up and yet I am back to normal and watching them grow daily AND appreciating it more than ever!

3. I had to go to work full-time while they were still pretty young for a few years...it wasn't easy but we were all okay and now we are back "together" again...at home and even homeschooling!

4. I thought I would never have another baby (see number 2) but I did and she is wonderful!

5. I thought I would never be married again but I am and he is also wonderful!

6. My nephew and both of my grandmothers became angels and although it was hard and I almost had a breakdown (maybe I did?) after my nephew died, we are all okay and will carry them with us forever.

7. Lost a relationship with my parents for a while (see number 1, they don't believe in divorce) but regained that after number 6 and we are all going strong!

These are just random thoughts I've had while watching Finding Nemo with Rachel that I wanted to share.

In my twenties while a lot of people were partying I was having my children, taking care of my family and not thinking much about myself. Do I regret that? There are times that I have wondered if I missed anything. Yes, I guess I did. Here is what it was.

I missed:

1. Wrinkles from laying out too much in the sun. Some of my friends look ten years older than I do now because they spent so much time fake-n-baking while they were in their twenties.

2. Being really drunk and doing a lot of stupid, embarassing things.

3. a lot of sex with people I barely knew because I was so drunk.

4. a lot of work in a flourescent-lit office that mattered very little if at all.

5. some me time.

Now number 5 is something I have struggled with but what is me time? Remember that song...

Hey Lady, you lady, cursing at your life. You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife. I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do but I wish someone would have talked to me like I wanna talk to you.

Oh I've been to (name all the places...)
but I've never been to ME.

So you may ask, what is the point of this? These are things that I want to look back on and remember. Lessons I've learned. Like "regret is the cancer of life". I don't regret that my "me" is not what I wear, what I "do", what I look like, who I am friends with, what parties I am invited to. Those are the more shallow things in life.

When I had the heart surgery and when I was in the hospital with congestive heart failure I realized that the things I would regret would only be time missed loving people....and that is all of my epiphanies for today...

Love