Friday

Friday was eight years. Eight years since my sister-in-law, Jill, was in labor with Jonathan David. Eight years since I saw his precious newborn face. Her sister and I were standing outside the door....we were practically leaning into the room to hear them say "he is here". And then we all gathered around Jill's bed....Jill, my brother, Woody, and David, my parents, Jill's parents, Jill, and me. I don't remember anyone else being there. But when I saw him I knew that as beautiful as he was (is forever) that something wasn't quite right. Four and a half months later it was confirmed. My brother and my parents showed up at my door. I had just gotten out of the shower and everyone had a hard time speaking. We sat down and I wanted to scream, "what is it?????".....The diagnosis was SMA, spinal muscular atrophy and it was a fatal one....the worst kind...

There were moments along the way, moments that stand out in my mind...like when Jill was holding David at a family Christmas gathering and one of my aunts said, "You will spoil him by holding him too much". Jill acted as if she wasn't worried about that because SHE WASN'T....did my aunt not know what SMA meant??? That he would not get to be spoiled!!!! He wasn't going to live much longer...four more months, in fact....

And yet the pain is just as real today as it was then. Why? God, WHY??? It was at the point of his death which seemed like long torture...that day...when I saw a baby dying before me as his parents still clung to hope....as I watched him in those just as privileged moments as I experienced at his birth...that I realized that maybe this earth is indeed our hell.....and it must get better from here but why? Why the sweetest people in the world, Woody and Jill?

Oh yes, now we have more beautiful and healthy children and we are so grateful for that but that doesn't change the fact that he is not here, that David will always be missed...at every function...at every birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving...there is a void of a little boy...eight years old....I hope he is healed now and we will see that beautiful smile and wise, all-knowing eyes....full of wisdom again one day.

But for now there is the grave....with the iron bench and the toys....and at this moment a birthday balloon and a bracelet my daughter made that spells out "David"...for David, we miss you....we love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11